*
[Cheering and applause]
Welcome to "Last Week Tonight."
I'm John Oliver.
Just time for a quick recap of the week,
a week in which we collectively freaked the fuck out
over Ebola, but instead of talking
about all the hysteria and the misreporting,
let's just take a moment to focus on the incredible actions
of health care workers from Doctors Without Borders
in West Africa
to Dallas nurse Nina Pham,
who helped treat the first victim diagnosed
in America and in doing so contracted Ebola herself.
She's in hospital right now, and this week,
she released a statement.
Holy shit.
She caught Ebola while helping people,
and her first reaction is to write a thank-you note.
I find that excessively polite, and I'm British.
Because let me tell you, if I were in her position,
this would be my statement.
Ahem.
"Fuck this disease and the fucking fruit bats
"who probably gave it to us,
"and to whoever is responsible for whatever
"equipment or safety lapse that led to my infection,
"I will lose my last breath to cough Ebola straight
"into your incompetent mouths.
"Hugs and kisses, John Oliver.
P.S. I hope those kisses give you double Ebola!"
But let's--
[Cheering and applause]
let's not talk about Ebola.
Let's just talk about last Thursday.
How was yours?
Because the only thing I can remember from it
is the last 3 seconds of "How To Get Away With Murder."
Why is your penis on a dead girl's phone?
The only acceptable answer to that question
is "That's not my penis."
That's the only OK response, but I will tell you,
though, who had the most spectacular
Thursday of anyone on Earth--Vladimir Putin.
Now it started pretty normally for him
with the publication of an interview in which he
accused the U.S. of blackmail, followed
by a military parade in Belgrade featuring
Serbian soldiers in full camouflage.
Although I will say the only way that
that camouflage is going to work is if they are going
to war inside Steven Tyler's closet,
but still--still nothing out of the ordinary
for Putin yet, other than that it caused him to
arrive extremely late to dinner in Milan.
MAN: Mr. Putin arrived fashionably late,
you could say, for a gala dinner in Milan,
his first formal meeting with European leaders
since June.
Look at everybody watching him approach late.
That is a dickish way to walk in.
That is one step short of bursting in wearing
mirrored sunglasses whilst this plays.
[Guitar riff from "Bad to the Bone" plays]
Did somebody order a white Russian?
Now unfortunately-- unfortunately--
unfortunately, this made him even later
to a meeting with Angela Merkel,
which then didn't finish until 1:30 in the morning,
and all the orange juice and Pellegrino in the world
is not going to make that OK.
And Putin still wasn't done.
MAN: He met with Merkel till 1:30 in the morning.
Then he still had enough energy to go
to Silvio Berlusconi's villa.
He was at Berlusconi's villa until 3:30 A.M.,
where they shared a late-night meal that included
white truffles and tiramisu.
You have got to hand it to the Vladimir Putin
because the single most disgustingly decadent
thing a human being can possibly do is to eat
truffles and tiramisu with Silvio Berlusconi
in Milan at 3 A.M.
What a Thursday!
And finally, finally, it was also a big week
for McDonald's, makers of the world's most
affordable heart disease.
It's the restaurant whose logo represents
the two massive spikes in blood pressure you'll
experience after eating there, but they rolled
out a bold new ad campaign this week called
"Our food. Your questions."
All right, McDonald's. Um, what sort
of breakfast hours?
Does McDonald's even sell real food?
What part of the chicken is a chicken nugget?
What's in your chicken nuggets?
The pink slime, what's up with that?
MAN: How much do you care about the people
that eat your food?
OK. Interesting technique, and to be fair,
they're not just collecting questions
from a recording device that makes you look like
a vagrant getting into an argument with a poster.
They're also answering them on their web site
and in a series of videos featuring a guy
from "MythBusters."
I'm Grant Imahara, and I've spent years
finding the truth.
Now I'm going across America to find out
how McDonald's makes its food.
So ask your questions, and I'll find the answers.
Yeah. I've got a question.
Why the fuck are you doing this?
Uh, please round up your answer to the nearest dollar,
but I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
You were independently investigating the company
paying you to conduct an independent investigation.
IMAHARA: So you know what?
I've been through the whole process.
I know exactly what goes into this all-beef patty.
Yep.
There's no fillers, no preservatives,
no additives.
It's all beef, and there's no pink slime.
That's good. Yeah?
That's really good.
Nice!
There's something a little suspicious
about the way they're celebrating the fact that
their food is made out of food,
but the questions people have about McDonald's go
way beyond just their food.
So yesterday, we put our own McDonald's question board
up here in New York City.
Here are some of the results.
Hello, McDonald's?
What's up, McDonald's?
What's up, Mickey D's!
How the fuck does this pay stub
for a single mother who's worked at a Chicago McDonald's
for 7 years show that her take-home pay for, what, more
than 40 hours of work is only $292.52?
Is there somebody in there? Hello?
Why is my face like this?
Hello?
Am I a serial killer?
Because I look like I could very easily be
a serial killer.
Why are there currently 7 lawsuits against
McDonald's and franchise operators alleging wage theft?
And why do these allegations include
failure to pay overtime, forcing off-the-clock work,
and engaging in a practice of managerial
alteration of time records?
Please tell me this is cow blood.
It's not!
Stupid Ron, stupid Ron!
[Sobs]
*
Moving on, moving on, and let me warn you.
Our main story tonight is going to end with you
getting extremely angry at a donkey.
That might not make sense right now,
but it is going to, so let's begin.
Translation.
We've all seen the comic ways
in which it can go wrong.
The Chinese signs that say things like
"Do drunken driving"
or "Fuck vegetables."
I mean, but to be fair, yes, that's a silly sign,
but at the same time, fuck vegetables.
Am I right? Am I right?
Or--or maybe you've seen the YouTube videos where
people put songs like "Let It Go"
into Google Translate, then translate them
back into English and sing the results.
*
I've got to say, that would be an amazing tone
for the "Frozen" sequel-- a bitter woman warbling
about defeat in a radioactive ice castle.
I'm in! I am in!
Look. Bad translation can be a lot of fun
when the stakes are low, but if you're in a war zone,
accurate translation can be the difference
between life and death, and over the last decade,
good local interpreters in Afghanistan and Iraq
have saved countless American lives.
Let me show you an Afghani man named Srosh
translating a warning about some IEDs.
[Speaking Pashto]
SROSH: He says that "there is IEDs.
"Someone told me that there is IEDs
in the street."
OK. Thank you.
OK. You see, that is a good message
to get exactly right.
You don't want someone saying, "Oh, to be
"honest, my Pashto's a little shaky,
"but there's either an IED or an IKEA
"behind those rocks somewhere.
"Also, I think he said something
"about fuck vegetables.
I think."
Ask any veteran, and they will tell you that
translators risked their own lives working for us,
and because they did that, they are permanent
targets for insurgents.
Here's what the translator you just saw--
Srosh--has been up to lately.
You're probably thinking right now,
"Well, we need to move heaven and earth
"to get that man and his family and bring
them to safety,"
and the fact that we are not is what this story is
about because Srosh, like a shocking number
of interpreters, has applied for a visa,
but it's stuck in bureaucratic limbo,
and the crazy thing is there is absolutely no
good reason for that.
Congress passed bills in 2008 and 2009
providing thousands of special immigrant visas
for local nationals who worked with the U.S. military,
but despite huge demand, very few were issued.
For instance, through the Afghanistan bill,
we could have given out up to 1,500 visas a year.
Guess how many we gave out in 2011.
It was 3.
The number of visas for Afghanis who risked their
lives for us should not be so low that relatively
stupid toddlers can count up to it
or relatively intelligent horses.
"1, 2--shouldn't it be more than this--3."
Now to be fair, things have improved slightly
recently thanks in part to pressure from groups
like The List Project and IRAP,
but it is still not moving nearly fast enough.
Help us understand just how difficult it is
for Afghans who worked with U.S. forces to get
these special visas.
It's next to impossible.
I would say it's akin to literally
winning the lottery.
Yeah, but it should not be like a lottery,
where the odds are terrible.
These people risked their lives for us.
It should be more like a Little League award ceremony
where everyone's a winner because they're
all an important part of the fucking team.
[Cheering]
Now...
there are--
there are currently thousands of interpreters
with visa applications pending,
and if you're wondering whose fault this is,
the State Department has a surprising answer.
MAN, VOICE-OVER: Jarrett Blanc is a deputy special
representative for Afghanistan and Pakistan
at the State Department.
He blames some of the delays on the applicants themselves.
A lot of those people are actually--
maybe not quite half of them are--
control their own timing essentially.
So they've started the application,
or perhaps they've gotten through the first step,
but they need to finish their own paperwork
before we can take the next step with them.
Ho ho ho!
That is some first-class victim blaming.
You are on the edge of saying, "Well, look.
"Maybe the Taliban wouldn't be following
"them around if these translators weren't
"dressed so slutty.
Have you thought about that?"
But since he brings up the paperwork, let's just
take a look at it because applying for
a Special Immigrant Visa is a 14-step process,
which is a lot.
Bear in mind that even getting off heroin
only takes 12.
OK. So are you ready for this shit?
Let's do it because first, first you've got
your DS-157 form.
This contains all your basic information.
It also needs to come with a verification
of employment letter from an HR director,
as well as a letter of recommendation
from a direct supervisor.
Now if you can't find your former supervisor,
which is entirely possible, don't worry.
You just need a DS-158 supervisor locator form,
although that will only work if your supervisor
was directly employed by the military.
If they were a contractor, which they
probably were, you're shit out of luck.
You will also need to submit a proof
of nationality form and a copy of your
employee badge because no one has ever lost one of those,
and once you've filled all of this in,
you simply submit it for approval and then wait
for anything between a few months and a few years,
and if you're approved, then congratulations
because you are at the petition stage.
For this, you are going to need your I-360 form,
which is basically the DS-157 form all over again.
Oh, and, uh, remember to bring that to your
interview at the U.S. embassy, although in Afghanistan--
funny story--they're not scheduling those
at the moment partly because the system's
so backed up and partly because this whole program
is set to expire at the end of the year
for no fucking reason whatsoever.
At this stage, you as a translator may feel
a little like this.
*
But don't, don't because there is light
at the end of the tunnel.
Well, not light so much as the DS-260 form!
And this little beauty contains such
questions as...
To which I'm guess your answer is,
"Ooh. To be honest, my main plan was to
"not get killed by the Taliban.
"I hadn't really worked out a plan of attack
for my sex life yet."
But don't worry, don't worry.
[Cheering and applause]
Don't worry.
Don't worry because after all this paperwork,
plus, of course, a visa interview,
a medical examination, a security clearance,
and paying out of pocket for passports,
vaccinations, and your own plane tickets,
you get to come to America
or, as one translator discovered, not.
And this is 9 months ago.
So what's the problem?
What the fuck?
By now, the ghost of Franz Kafka is thinking,
"Don't you dare call this Kafkaesque.
I don't want my name anywhere near this shit."
Because compared to this,
waking up as a cockroach is normal!
This whole process makes no sense,
and I understand the need for security screenings,
but America has done this quicker before.
MAN: After the Vietnam War, the U.S. resettled
140,000 refugees in just 4 months.
We did it perfectly at the end of the Vietnam War,
and there is a sentence you don't often
get to say out loud.
What we did was we took every one to Guam
and processed them there in safety.
So why aren't we just doing that again?
What else are we gonna do with Guam?
It's Guam.
It's 200 square miles of palm trees
and storage space.
It's Guam.
And while the U.S. government may have
doubts about some of these translators,
the troops who served alongside them
certainly don't.
Because you remember Srosh?
Well, the Marines he served with created
a crowd-funding page to finance his medical exams,
where you can read comments such as
"Thanks, brother, for helping us survive and return
to our families alive,"
and, "Thanks for saving our ass so many times.
Time to get you state side."
And it is both inspiring and horrifying that
the life of a man who saved Americans is in the hands
of the same process through which we finance
Zach Braff's shitty movies.
And--and let me--
[Cheering and applause]
let me show you-- let me show you
just one more case.
Mohammad, an Afghani translator who started
his application in September 2010
and finally made it to America 3 years and 4 months later.
So at least he's here.
There is that, but this was the atmosphere
in which he had to do that waiting.
The people who tried to hurt me, first they
killed my dad, and at the next stage,
they tried to kill my brothers.
They took my little brother, which I love him
more than everyone.
Once, they took him, and they told me to pay
almost $35,000.
That's right.
They kidnapped his 3-year-old brother,
and he spent his entire life savings to get him back,
and at that point, it was already 2 1/2 years
into his application process, and having gone
through all that, when Mohammad finally got
his visa, a clerical error resulted in his name
being officially changed to FNU Mohammad, which is
an acronym for First Name Unknown,
meaning that on official documents, to all intents
and purposes, his name is now Fnu.
And Fnu is fnot a fnucking fname.
And--and I know we can do this quicker, not just
because of Guam, because there is at least one
other documented case of an evacuee from Iraq who
did get processed faster.
Smoke, the Iraqi donkey, is in the U.S.
Smoke the donkey wandered onto a military base
in 2008 and was befriended by some U.S. Marines.
WOMAN: They have brought the donkey
to the United States.
Smoke is now an American.
MAN: It was a long process.
I wanted to say we started this probably
back in September of 2010.
Remember who else started his application
in September of 2010?
Mohammad.
It took Smoke the donkey 8 months to get to America.
It took Mohammad nearly 3 1/2 years.
See? I told you this story was gonna end
with you getting fucking pissed off at a donkey.
Fuck you, Smoke!
[Cheering and applause]
You hee-hawing piece of shit!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. It's not your fault, Smoke.
You're just emblematic of a much larger problem,
you hee-hawing piece of shit.
Now listen.
We have to fix this system, but before we can
even do that, we have to extend it.
In Iraq, the visa program expired at the end
of last month, which I guess is fine.
It's not like we're gonna need translators again
there anytime soon, and in Afghanistan,
they're scheduled to stop issuing visas altogether
on December 31, meaning that any translator like
Mohammad will be forced to find a friend
and invest in a very good two-pieced pantomime
donkey costume to have any fucking hope
of getting into this country.
I'm honored to say that we are actually joined
by Mohammad this evening.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mohammad!
[Cheering and applause]
Sit down, buddy. Sit down.
[Cheering continues]
Mohammad. Yes.
First--first, thank you so much for being here
and for everything you've done, Mohammad.
Uh, Fnu. Sorry. Fnu. It's Fnu.
Ha ha ha!
Which do you prefer-- Mohammad or Fnu?
Which is better?
Well, now it's Fnu, so I have--
It's Fnu, it's Fnu, it's Fnu.
Well, Fnu, I have a few questions for you.
Now we've just seen how crazy the visa process is.
As a translator, I'm interested,
what is the Pashto word
for bureaucratic clusterfuck?
[Speaks Pashto]
What is it?
[Speaks Pashto]
or...[Speaks Pashto]
OK. Nice. That's good.
So at least we've all learned a bit of useful
Pashto this evening if nothing else.
Look. I want to-- a couple of things
just about your situation because while
working with the U.S. military,
you were shot at twice and survived
an IED explosion.
So I really guess I first want to ask
why did you choose to do that job?
I was working with British forces,
and during that time, I met
with one American contractor.
He recruited me, and he came to me like,
"Come work with us as a translator.
We need people to help us,"
and I was not by my own.
I was like, "OK. I must talk to my family."
So I went and talked to my family,
I talked to my dad.
He was glad.
He was really excited.
He was like, "This is a great opportunity.
"You're gonna be helping your country,
"and you're supporting the U.S. troops,
"that they're here for your country,
to rebuild your country."
So the next day, I signed the contract and stand up
for being a translator to support the U.S. troops
or the coalition forces and help my country.
Let's talk a little about your family now
because your mom and your siblings,
they have left Afghanistan, is that correct?
Yes. Why did they leave?
Because once the Taliban,
they kidnapped my little brother.
One time, they killed my dad, and the second time
when they kidnapped my little brother,
so it was too much.
We didn't want to take the third-time risk.
I have to pay them.
They left me a note, a ransom letter that says
I have to pay $35,000.
I paid them their money, and they released
my da--my brother.
I wish that could have happened to my dad, too,
I could have bought him, too, but that didn't happen.
So now they're hiding.
And they're hiding, and they're involved
in this hail Mary humanitarian visa application.
Now where this bureaucracy gets even
crazier is if you had been an Iraqi interpreter
your family would have been eligible to come
here under category 5 of the Direct Access Program,
but Afghanistan does not have a similar
program for no fucking reason whatsoever.
My family got--they got hurt because of me.
I lost my dad because of me, because of my job,
so the process that they have for us is just a single man.
I worked for them.
"Here. This is the visa, just you.
Come to the United States," and...
Um, I guess I have one final question.
Is there a word in Pashto to convey
deep gratitude for someone's service
but also profound shame
in how they've been treated?
Not really.
Heh. There isn't really in English either.
I can't thank you enough for being here, Mohammad,
and everything.
Mohammad, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you. Thanks so much.
I really, really appreciate it.
Thank you.
And now this.
I've been in Congress for 43 years.
I've been in Congress for 19 years.
33 years I've been in Congress.
Hey. I've been in Congress 3 months.
I've been in Congress... I've been in Congress...
25 years.
I've been in Congress the last 17 months.
I've been in Congress now...
...for 18 years.
Here we are. I've been here for 5 years.
4 1/2. 24 years.
24 years that I've been here.
I've been in... Congress for 21 years.
3 years that I know of that I've been in Congress.
19... 15...
14 years.
4 or 5 months now.
13 years and about 8 days.
16 months.
MAN: How many years have you been
in the Congress? Thanks.
This is my 15th year.
Thank you.
[Laughter and applause]
And finally tonight, the Supreme Court,
their latest term began earlier this month,
and it's going to be one to watch.
Unfortunately, we won't actually be able to watch
any of it because the Supreme Court does not
allow cameras during oral arguments,
and I'll let Justice Scalia explain why.
If I really thought it would educate
the American people, I would be all for it,
but what most of the American people would see would be
30-second, 15-second takeouts from our argument,
and those takeouts would not be characteristic of what we do.
You know, he might be right about that.
Television can be very irresponsible, which is
why you never want to, for instance, do
an interview in front of a blue screen
because someone might then superimpose
a creepy orgy behind you because that's the sort
of terrible thing that television can do.
So the point is-- the point is there aren't
any cameras, but they do release
audio recordings of their arguments,
so TV does play 15-second clips of the Supreme Court anyway.
It's just that they have to present it like this.
JUSTICE KAGAN: Suppose a state said...
OK. For a start, that is a terrible rendering
of Justice Kagan.
You just made her look like Jonah Hill in a wig,
and also--also, it was boring,
and that's a problem because what happens
at the Supreme Court is way too important not to pay
attention to, and yet the ban renders
any coverage basically unwatchable,
but I think we may have a solution,
and it's learning a lesson from this.
*
Think about it.
If someone made you just listen to the audio
of that, you would punch them repeatedly in the face,
but the visual makes it irresistible.
Why? Because a cat's paws are doing things you
wouldn't expect them to do, and if it works
for shitty piano music, it can work
for the Supreme Court, and that is why this week
we spent an incredible amount of time
and an almost immoral amount of resources to produce
an entire Supreme Court
featuring real animals with fake paws.
Settle down, settle down, settle down.
Let me show you this puppy in action.
One of the current cases in the court
is Holt v. Hobbs.
It's about whether a prison can require
a Muslim inmate to trim his beard
for security reasons.
Now you may be thinking, "John, I do not want to
hear a discussion about that."
Really?
Don't you?
Now let's assume I'm in a religion that
requires polygamy.
Um, could I say to the prison,
"Well, OK. I won't have 3 wives.
Just let me have 2 wives."
I mean, you're still violating your religion
it seems to me if he allows his beard to be
clipped to one inch, isn't it?
Well, it is the state's burden that is explicit
in the statute.
The only limit they impose on the hair
on top of your head is it can't extend
below the middle of the neck.
The difference between the hair on top of your
head and the hair on the front of your head
is not even rational.
Be honest. You now want to hear the entire
hour-long oral argument, don't you?
No, no.
But I will give you just another taste.
As far as searching the beard is concerned,
why can't the prison just give the inmate a comb?
You could develop whatever kind of comb
you want and say, "Comb your beard."
And if there's anything in there, if there's a SIM card
in there or a revolver or anything else
you think...
can be hidden in a half-inch beard,
a tiny revolver, it will fall out.
Those dry constitutional arguments are now
must-see television, and that is why tonight
as a public service we are releasing raw video
at this address of closeups, medium shots,
and wide shots from our real animals/fake paws
Supreme Court, and we are inviting
all news networks to use this footage to make
Supreme Court arguments more compelling to watch.
We have all 9 justices for you:
Chief Justice Roberts, there's Scalia, Kennedy, Thomas,
Ginsburg, Breyer, Alito, Sotomayor, and Kagan,
who, I will warn you, would not sit still.
And--and we have almost everything you need
for full coverage.
You need Justice Alito taking notes?
Done. Not a problem.
You need Ginsburg adjusting her glasses?
You got it.
You need Samuel Alito having a drink of water?
No problem.
You need Roberts yawning?
He'll yawn for you!
You need Alito covering his ears with his paws
or banging a gavel
or humping Elena Kagan?
We have all of those things.
Why? Because the Alito dog was fucking amazing!
Plus we have two lawyers for you to choose from,
also a duck assistant, and a court stenographer
who's just doing the best she can to keep up.
The entire toolkit is here for anyone to do
with as they please, and if there are not full
reenactments of every major court case
of the past 4 years online by next Sunday,
you will never see us here again.
That's our show. Thank you so much for watching.
Good night!
[Cheering and applause]
*